Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
