im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
