Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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