he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
