I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
