i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
