I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
