apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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