Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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