3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
