Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
