and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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