The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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