I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
