I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
