You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
