Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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