12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
