everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
