Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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