Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
