pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
