ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
