If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
