Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
