note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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