i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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