An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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