I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I need a burrito and a hug.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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