Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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