Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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