Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
