god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
