It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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