After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
