I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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