i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
