Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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