the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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