every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
