"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
