Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
