Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
