the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
