he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
