a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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