I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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