I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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