Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
