the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize