told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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