a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You were trust falling into bushes
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
