can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
