I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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