I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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