so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
