I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
