I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
